I met Sharmil Elliot while visiting for the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon. I interviewed Sharmil about her role and what coaching can offer to men.
What is the role of a desire coach?
The first question people usually ask us is "What's that?"
Simply put, we've been trained to help people go from poor to good, good to great, and great to better by helping them connect with the voice inside that already knows what to do. We help them to find the pull in the body that points them in the direction they need to go. We help them get out of their heads and into their bodies, to get out of the way and let their intuition, their innate "knowing," be the guide to what will truly allow them freedom and fulfillment.
This is not for the faint of heart, but we can all do it. Desire coaching is about breaking away from and dismantling the stories in our lives that support our limiting views. Those things that say we can't be or have or do what we want...or even the story that tells us we don't know what we want.
What kinds of challenges do people bring to you?
People come to us with challenges of communication, connection, sex, intimacy, shame, worthiness, desire, scarcity...basically, any and all of the issues that we as humans have taken on in our lives and need help unraveling. It's often about relationships, but it doesn't have to be. Someone might desire a more fulfilling job or to live somewhere different. Again, it's about listening to that pull in the body that provides the guidance we need, and giving people the tools to find and work with that pull.
When it comes to wanting or desire, the basic concept is that we need a certain level of self-awareness or mindfulness to even see that there is an issue to address. With an understanding of where we are on the map, we can then get an idea of where to go. The process of getting there builds self confidence and allows us to see things (and ourselves) much more clearly.
Life is a game, and it can be a fun one when played well. When we engage our lives and the people in them with curiosity and a desire to "keep playing," then we are winning. There is no end game, no prize, to this kind of work. It's all about keeping the game going.
How does your work relate to issues of self confidence, mindfulness and successful pickup/dating?
In the arena of interpersonal relating, the concept of one person "picking up" another is no longer on the table. The typical "them against me" mentality turns into a question of how best to connect to this someone in this moment. What does my intuition (my body) have to say about the person who caught my eye, how can I best interact, what is truly called for here? Not "what do I think I can get for myself" out of this. It is simply a matter of connection.
What advice can you offer men struggling with these issues?
Stop trying so hard and learn to enjoy yourselves! If it genuinely feels good and nourishing in your body, she'll notice that. If you're running a game or a program on her, she'll notice that as well. "Creepy" often translates as simply "he's showing me one thing, and I am feeling something different from him", which in and of itself is already a turn off.
There's no technique to this, it's a question of authenticity of feeling rather than the perfect formula. Men are often taught their feelings aren't important. And yet, it's only when they, first and foremost, accept their own feelings and display them authentically, without pushing or pulling for any particular outcome, without hiding any part of themselves and without thinking that these things are unwanted, that what we present and what we feel match up. Women want to hear that you're scared and nervous, when that is true in the moment. That is the secret to confidence, being who you are and knowing that this is the only way the true connection we all long for can have any chance of occurring.
Is there anything else you'd like to share with our readers?
Desire is the motivating force behind everything we do. Uncovering what is real and true for us starts with tuning into the body, and feeling everything that's alive inside us. It can be a difficult process, but having someone to reflect back at you how you are presenting, how you feel to them, can make a world of difference. That's what we offer. Without felt connection, no type of interaction, however "intimate," can give us the nourishment we crave. And felt connection only happens when we state our desires truly and authentically and have the guts to stick around to work out the details.